Ramifications of Anger...and some Venting ;)

Over years I have come to believe that I have an anger management problem. I have absolutely no idea how hurtful my words can be when I am angry. It used to be virtually uncontrollable when I was growing up, especially in my teenage years when I would just say whatever I thought at the spur of the moment and then live to regret it. Once I remember plastering one of my best friends on the Bathroom wall due to a minor (?) disagreement. I learnt to control it more or less in College...but the downside to that was,I sort of shut out every other emotion as well. Whether I was happy,or sad,or angry...I just kept it to myself,which earned me a name from this group of girls who weren't really my friends, "Snow Queen". It was a secret,so obviously I knew. I should admit though,I sort of liked that name...Its weird but cool right? lol ;)

I have had some time on my hands to validate my actions over the past few months and have come to realise that I haven't really changed that much, neither from the teenager who vented her feelings at the closest possible 'victim' and nor from hiding my real feelings,whatever they might be. The real problem as I see it,is that,the ones closest to me,like my best friends or my lover often has to bear the brunt of my tongue,which is witty in my best moments and equally caustic in the really bad moments. I used to think that it is fine because it wasn't that often and if I couldn't be myself with those I love,then life would be an endless display of charades...

I always knew that my anger wasn't a good thing,and I tried to hide it best as I could but then people started telling me that 'they' like it even though it annoys 'them' sometimes ('they' consist of just one person who actually told me not to change it because he liked it and who,unfortunately, is no longer a part of my life...figures...right). As if that wasn't enough to shatter my whole belief system, two of my closest friends actually advised me to not be so 'open' about myself to potential 'dates'. I still don't understand and haven't taken in exactly what they meant. I don't just date, date. I believe in relationships that are deep and meaningful and hopefully,everlasting (which is not the case more often than not). And I have always believed that you cannot base a relationship on lies and half baked truths. Sometimes it has to be "in your face". That is how you evolve. Now you may ask "You know it because of all your long-lasting relationships?" Not really,but that is what I think and believe. And I refuse to consider the alternative that I may have to lie about who and  what I am to keep a man in my life. As the sultry siren  Marilyn Munroe once said, "If you can't handle me at my worst,then you don't deserve me at my best".  

Of Course I am no Munroe,I am high maintenance and bitchy and weird...but I am who I am and those who cannot accept me as I am maybe don't deserve me in their lives either...