A eulogy to the darlings of my heart...

We are primates. It is coded into our DNA to protect our young, even from each other. There is a point where we fail, fail to prevent something terrible from happening to them. Those are called freak accidents. We read about them in newspapers. We see detailed versions in the news. We even see them happening to people  we know. But never ever even in our darkest dreams do we imagine something like that happening to us. When they do strike, we do not know how  to react. Do we remain in shock for an extended period of time or do we accept it, cope with it slowly but surely, and move on? I do not know. I do not have any answers, because it struck me with a lightning blow when I least expected it.

I write this for the three brothers I lost today. They became victims of a drowning accident earlier this morning. I don’t really know what happened other than what I read in the news. I didn’t have the heart to grill my mother for more information when she called, I was in shock. I think I still am. My brain hasn’t quite grasped the fact that I wouldn’t be seeing any of them ever again, that I wouldn’t see a smile, or get a sweaty bear hug or a pull on my hair ever again from them. I considered going home for the funerals, to be with my family in this extremely trying time, but I couldn’t stand the thought of seeing their faces devoid of life. These were my little brothers, ones I've held as babies,ones I grew up with,ones I played cricket with on holidays…

One of them was dearer to me than the others. He was my mother’s brother’s son, a boy born into the family after us two girls, and after a wait of 8 long years. We spoilt him rotten, all of us. When we were little, we used to joke that when either of us sisters got married, he would be the one greeting the groom and receiving a gold ring as a gift.

They were all happy boys, with a full life ahead of them. It isn’t fair that they left those lives so quickly, not while their parents and grandparents live. No parent should have to bury their child. Yet this day, three pairs of parents in my family are going to have to face  this cruel fate. I am not with them physically, but I hope, my thoughts would provide some manner of comfort to them. With all the love in my heart, I bid my brothers goodbye. Be at peace, little ones…We love you more than words could say…

Goodbye, my love

So, everything really is over then. Perhaps they have been over to you for a long time. I was the fool who thought that everything that transpired meant something. Anyway...

I want to delete you from my memory forever. I want to erase every sign of your caresses  from my heart. I want to remove every single remnant of you from my sight. I want to go back to the time when you didn't exist for me. It is probably the so-called  cruel irony of time, that all this is happening on the day of love.

So, from today, you and we don't exist. Only I do.

I never expected it to last long. I know that these things we have,the talks, the jokes, they would all go away eventually. I have been mentally preparing for it for a while. But even now, when I think of the inevitability that you might find someone to replace me, a cold chill runs through my heart,cutting it in half and leaving it to bleed. I have no right to feel this way,I know. I don't do it consciously, I just can't help but...

Christmas!

Christmas is around the corner again. It is that time of the year when the streets are filled by couples in love,holding hands and engaging in nausea inducing (due to jealousy if I might add) public displays of affection. It is at these times that I wish I were back in UK. The British,at least show affection only to dogs and horses!!!

It is not exactly easy to be single at this time. Even nature goes all out, throwing on her pristine blanket of snow(at least in this part of the year),looking all fresh and new right in time for the new year. It is weird how everything seems so heartbreakingly beautiful when you don't have anyone to share it with. I suppose that is the cruel irony of time.

My last Christmas was wonderful...This year Christmas eve will be spent in exams and Christmas in preparing for more exams and projects.  I guess I have good reason to wallow in self pity. Also,I find I am a little sad to leave Belgrade so soon. It has been my favourite so far. Ofcourse,I haven't seen Innsbruck in summer yet.

Belgrade!

So,I am in Belgrade. Not a part of the world many people from our sub-continent go to. In the last almost-a -month I have seen only one Indian looking person, so there. It is quite nice around here, if you discount the constant staring you are subjected to ( I'm guessing it is the skin colour, also, apparently they are big on eye contact!). The autumnish now chilly-now sunny weather is working for me, except for the occasional rains. The people are really, genuinely nice. The only problem is the language, but then you can always get away with pointing and smiling., and anyway most young people speak English.

I don't have much to say here right now, except that I am experiencing a wonderful inner quiet and peace. My normally actively overworking mind seems to have burnt out. The space created by the removal of unwanted melodrama makes me really happy and content, and I am keeping everything in pairs crossed,just to keep it that way :)

Here are two pictures I took on my way back from the observatory. It was a fine, sunny day. 

The light looks lovely on this one. It was one of those days when all you want is to lie on the grass with a book and a cold drink.

I am sure everyone must have seen some version of this flower/seed thingy a lot. This was my first :)

Till we meet again...so long :) !!!

The first meeting after the goodbyes

Scene 1

He sat on the couch. I sat on the chair across from him. I looked here and there but never directly at him unless he was saying something. I could feel his eyes on me. I looked at my friend sitting on his right, out of the french windows on my right, up at the fan. My friend went inside for something and he said, "Come,sit near me". I complied. We didn't really have much to talk, we just stared at each other.

Scene 2

We were standing in the balcony staring out at nothing in particular. He put his arm around me. I saw the moon reflected in his eyes. We just stood there.

Scene 3

I went into the kitchen to get something for our friends sprawled amongst beer bottles in the balcony. He came with me. He held my hands captive and asked, "Did you miss me?" I said, "Hmmm...maybe a little." He let go of me. I grabbed his hand and said, "Yes". "How much?". "A pinch maybe. Ok Ok, this much." I widened my hands a bit. He scowled. "Fine, this much". I held my hand to the skies. He kissed my forehead and hugged me. I patted his junglee hair. He asked, "Is this right?" I said, "I don't know." And then we kissed. 

Corollary:  He has an occasionally red nose. I often call him Rudolph for that. It was turning red now. I said, "See,you are Rudolph again". He said, "That is because you have come home."

I am a worry doll.., :(

When you are little,you envision your future in a certain way, like  I'll do this, I'll go here, I'll have such and such a life. But as you grow older, you realize that the reality is much much further than anything you had imagined. It is better in some ways, and not quite up to the mark in some ways. Somehow you accept that as your lot in life and learn to live with it.

For the past few weeks I have been haunted by the strongest feelings of nostalgia that I have ever had. The funny thing is, they are from different phases if my life. And in that moment, I would literally give anything to be back in that time and age.

I am back in Innsbruck for a weekend for a conference, up in the mountains, a place called Obergurgl. I have only stayed in this city for about six months, and I left it only four months back. But for some strange reason, all I can think about is how perfect my dorm room was and how beautiful everything was when I was here. And t fills me with a strange,deep sadness. I remember that I was very excited about the possibility of moving to a different country every six months,meeting new people,seeing new places etc, but now that I am living that life, I am not quite so sure. Of course the traveling bit and the scholarship bit are great, and I am studying something I dearly love, but the constant packing and moving and paperwork, all that is a pain in the ass.

There are 7 girls in my batch,and 8 boys. Our program me started only about three years ago and ours has been the most balanced batch ever since. We were talking a while before about how our lives would be like, after PhD and Postdoc and all. Being in a closely knit program like ours also means that we get to see our Professors' lives at close quarters. And that is what scares almost all of us. After Postdoc, it would take at least ten years to get a permanent position. Till then we will have to keep moving maybe every couple of years. That is all very well when you are single. But when you have a family,what happens then? You can't exactly uproot your family every time. The alternative is to put your career ,for which you have worked all your life ,on hold. That is unappealing as well. We had a professor from Toronto last semester. Her husband is also from the same field. So when she came to Innsbruck, he managed to obtain a postdoc position in the university as well, and shifted here,with their kid. I have BEEN that kid. My dad is an academic too, who moved around quite a lot. I wasn't uprooted very much, but that meant I almost never got to see him and my mom too sometimes, as I was growing up. That isn't an ideal situation exactly. It is kind of a vicious circle. I really am worried about what my life is going to be like in a few years...sigh :-s

It is almost June. But up here in the mountains, it is still snowing. It is all heartbreakingly beautiful. But that means our planned hike just got cancelled. Well, you can't have everything, right? Except, I want everything :o