Friday, 22 July 2011

Valley of ex-emotions!

 Einstein's theory tells us that "Energy can neither be created,nor be destroyed. It can only be converted from one form to another". I am an astrophysicist whose whole belief system revolves around that theory. And love,of course is undoubtedly a form of energy. So really,where does all that energy vanish when you get out of a relationship with someone? What happens to all the love that you had for that person?

I don't buy the theory that it goes to the next boyfriend/girlfriend. Mainly because I don't believe that you can just fall out of love with someone and then fall in love with someone else instantaneously. So do we store up all that love to lavish it on the next person whom we think is the one or do we just convert it into those other emotions that accompany the break up like hurt,anger,depression,bitterness and thus expend it? 

I believe that all the physical strength that God did not create women with, He gave them in term of mental strength and emotional maturity. Perhaps that is why it is relatively easier for women to move on from a disastrous relationship than men. We are perhaps more pragmatic and therefore,more practical. But then there are those men who can just move from woman to woman at the drop of a hat. These are the so called 'players',emotionally stunted boys,in the garb of men,who care about none other than themselves. It all sounds so confusing to me,because I have met both kinds of them...the ones who take time to move on and the ones who don't. It leads me to it that one of the two people in the relationship,irrespective of whether it is the man or woman has to either get married or learn a lesson,while the other can just move on into the arms of the next man/woman standing? It definitely is worth  a thought.

Saturday, 16 July 2011

My Happy place...

I've been like a  ghost haunting one of my friends' place for a few days. Her place reminds me a lot of my first room in Pune. 

It was in an apartment owned by a very old,quite mad lady. It spelt home for only about six months...Except for the crankiness of the land lady,it was my 'favouritest' of all my Pune apartments. The best thing about the room was the balcony. I used to sit there night by night watching people...There was an IT Park next to it,and a bigger one at about 20 minutes distance and a couple of industries nearby, so the little road in front was always bustling with action...The call centre cabs,techies who live nearby walking home,the hails and shouts from the rickshaw stand...I used to just sit there and take it all in...During the day,especially when it rained,I would sit there with a cup of tea and watch the huge tamarind tree in the compound glisten with diamond drops while the kids from the play school downstairs hollered at the top of their voices....I still remember the colour of their uniforms...Feels like that was all a hundred years ago...if only I could be sucked into a time warp and return to those days once again...

This was just a little more than 5 years ago...when I first set out to face the world on my own with rosy dreams in my eyes. I remember that girl only too clearly. But I also realise that I am light years different from her now. While I don't resent it,I wish,I just wish that I could be that girl once more...

P.S- Well, I really must be getting older,I'm definitely getting ;)

Wednesday, 13 July 2011

True Love: Myth or Reality...???!!!

Today was a day of emotional turmoil for me.  One of those days you inevitably have to go through in the jungle of feelings called life. My problem,like thousands of women out there,is trying to get over the man who broke my heart. I was given no reasons,no explanations,nothing. It felt like a song gone bad... "Feel free to blame me for everything,it's all my fault ,not yours..." complete with the "Never contact me,Forget my name" disco remix. Nice,right?

I've tried the never thinking about it dance, not talking about it and pretending it never happened. It just doesn't seem to be working. Then I tried the talking about it to my closest friends and just getting out the hurt approach,which isn't working very well either. All it has done is make me edgy and jumpy and short of breath...Taking every breath seems like an effort...And the hurt is not going any place far either...

I believe in tackling problems analytically. After careful analysis, I have reached at a conclusion. It hints at the real reason why I can't move on.

1. He did not give me a reason. One day it is all nice and I'm all dreamy...and within hours... I get "Don't ask me for a reason" etc etc

2. That coupled with my already high sense of self-criticism is not exactly helpful in maintaining mental peace...(I'm not even going to mention words like not sure that it even exists any more...)

Shouldn't there be a law preventing people doing something like this to other people? I mean,it is not exactly nice right? In all honesty,I really had thought that this was 'it' happily ever after...I think it is safe to say that that's all in water now. I have never intentionally hurt another person badly. So it seems rather unfair that something like this happened to me...But then no one said that life is fair right...

I had an in-depth discussion about this and more with one of my guy friends. He said something that made me think...Don't concepts like True Love exist any more? Or am I the only fool who still believes in moon rays and star dust and happily ever afters??? Isn't there like one nice man out there?? One who is nice and sweet and kind...and like a Gentleman??? Oh How I hate such questions hanging in the air without any answers!!! Sigh !!!

Sunday, 10 July 2011

Ramifications of Anger...and some Venting ;)

Over years I have come to believe that I have an anger management problem. I have absolutely no idea how hurtful my words can be when I am angry. It used to be virtually uncontrollable when I was growing up, especially in my teenage years when I would just say whatever I thought at the spur of the moment and then live to regret it. Once I remember plastering one of my best friends on the Bathroom wall due to a minor (?) disagreement. I learnt to control it more or less in College...but the downside to that was,I sort of shut out every other emotion as well. Whether I was happy,or sad,or angry...I just kept it to myself,which earned me a name from this group of girls who weren't really my friends, "Snow Queen". It was a secret,so obviously I knew. I should admit though,I sort of liked that name...Its weird but cool right? lol ;)

I have had some time on my hands to validate my actions over the past few months and have come to realise that I haven't really changed that much, neither from the teenager who vented her feelings at the closest possible 'victim' and nor from hiding my real feelings,whatever they might be. The real problem as I see it,is that,the ones closest to me,like my best friends or my lover often has to bear the brunt of my tongue,which is witty in my best moments and equally caustic in the really bad moments. I used to think that it is fine because it wasn't that often and if I couldn't be myself with those I love,then life would be an endless display of charades...

I always knew that my anger wasn't a good thing,and I tried to hide it best as I could but then people started telling me that 'they' like it even though it annoys 'them' sometimes ('they' consist of just one person who actually told me not to change it because he liked it and who,unfortunately, is no longer a part of my life...figures...right). As if that wasn't enough to shatter my whole belief system, two of my closest friends actually advised me to not be so 'open' about myself to potential 'dates'. I still don't understand and haven't taken in exactly what they meant. I don't just date, date. I believe in relationships that are deep and meaningful and hopefully,everlasting (which is not the case more often than not). And I have always believed that you cannot base a relationship on lies and half baked truths. Sometimes it has to be "in your face". That is how you evolve. Now you may ask "You know it because of all your long-lasting relationships?" Not really,but that is what I think and believe. And I refuse to consider the alternative that I may have to lie about who and  what I am to keep a man in my life. As the sultry siren  Marilyn Munroe once said, "If you can't handle me at my worst,then you don't deserve me at my best".  

Of Course I am no Munroe,I am high maintenance and bitchy and weird...but I am who I am and those who cannot accept me as I am maybe don't deserve me in their lives either...

Wednesday, 6 July 2011

Random Randomness :)

It is raining here... With every drop that falls on earth, its thirst is quenched a the little drops of water that make up the mighty ocean. 

I love watching the rain. Its like every drop of rain has a story to tell, of the light years it spent on the a bit of vapour, as an ice drop.....travelling around on the wind's tail...finally falling on rain...Boy...I'm going a bit too far with all the imagining,aren't I? :)

Anyway...Its just one of those days...I wanted to go for a walk, but I was actually too lazy to do so..and timely rain saved me from the trouble ;)So am just slouching under the duvet,arguing to myself whether or not to go make tea...and watching F.R.I.E.N.D.S...for the thousandth time!!!

On a totally different note...I am so so dying to get a tattoo :) I just can't bring myself to actually go and get it done... I've been postponing my fifth and final ear stud for like four months :)

I think I'll go make that tea after all :)

P.S: I'm blogging because I have absolutely nothing else to do!!! Feel free to not read this ;)

Monday, 4 July 2011

I felt my heart breaking as I read his last message. There goes my happily ever after,I thought. I read it twice, thrice...My brain just couldn't take in its meaning...the words were looking like ugly black beetles on my white screen. The only sound I could hear was my heart picking up its beats...beating faster and faster as if it was going to break open my rib cage. I picked up my phone to dial my "ami dans le besoin". My hand was shaking so bad my phone fell off it. The shiver spread to the rest of my body. I tried to stand,but couldn't. I lay on my bed and tried to seemed like my nervous system was on strike. I wanted to shout,to cry,to do anything but lie there. I just couldn't. As the shivering subsided,I felt my conscious go blank. Everything was dark again. My last thought before going under was...Dark is good...dark means no one can see me...dark means no one can hurt me now...

Saturday, 2 July 2011

Roaming around London

The week that went past was mostly fun. My friend was in town,so we roamed around a lot :) Here are just some pics from here and there :)

A new restaurant of sorts called Dishoom on the Jubilee Walkway that boasts of Chowpatty food...Need to check it out sometime :)

My favourite bookshop around here. Shop is a loose term. They are mainly huge trunks full of used and very old books,paper backs, hard backs...paintings,maps...etc etc 

Images from Hyde Park. And I have absolutely no idea what that Horse is doing there...

My favourite shop in town...Disney :D

This cutie at the NatGeo store  is worth some 7000 pounds...that is about 500000 Indian rupees. 

Very "Pirates of the Caribbean' ish bottled ship at Trafalgar Square :)

The London Eye- from another perspective :D

The Parliament square and Big Ben and Westminster bridge in the rain :)

The view outside Churchill's cabinet War rooms...I loved the sky..the fellow in armor looks ;)

All from St.James' Park. It was such a bright and shiny day that I just clicked away :)

There was some fancy wedding in the church in the Buckingham Palace grounds. She was the most colourful person in attendance amongst everyone else in blues and grays. I especially loved her reminded me of some deep sea animal :)

Feline statues outside the Tower of London.

The very distinguished London Landmark,the Tower Bridge...the sky looks stormy whilst it was actually a bright day.

There is nothing but office buildings there...I just liked the way they look ;)

The beach of sorts that bank Thames. Just an example of my water fetish. I was born in an Earth sign in a land of 44 rivers ,bordered by the Arabian sea, and home of countless lagoons and lakes...and I am forever attracted to water... When I feel land locked,I traipse through the walkways that lead me to Water... And I could sit watching them for hours and hours...

P.S- I know this is a bit too long...I just went ;)