Wednesday, 25 December 2013

I never expected it to last long. I know that these things we have,the talks, the jokes, they would all go away eventually. I have been mentally preparing for it for a while. But even now, when I think of the inevitability that you might find someone to replace me, a cold chill runs through my heart,cutting it in half and leaving it to bleed. I have no right to feel this way,I know. I don't do it consciously, I just can't help but...

Monday, 23 December 2013


Christmas is around the corner again. It is that time of the year when the streets are filled by couples in love,holding hands and engaging in nausea inducing (due to jealousy if I might add) public displays of affection. It is at these times that I wish I were back in UK. The British,at least show affection only to dogs and horses!!!

It is not exactly easy to be single at this time. Even nature goes all out, throwing on her pristine blanket of snow(at least in this part of the year),looking all fresh and new right in time for the new year. It is weird how everything seems so heartbreakingly beautiful when you don't have anyone to share it with. I suppose that is the cruel irony of time.

My last Christmas was wonderful...This year Christmas eve will be spent in exams and Christmas in preparing for more exams and projects.  I guess I have good reason to wallow in self pity. Also,I find I am a little sad to leave Belgrade so soon. It has been my favourite so far. Ofcourse,I haven't seen Innsbruck in summer yet.

Tuesday, 22 October 2013


So,I am in Belgrade. Not a part of the world many people from our sub-continent go to. In the last almost-a -month I have seen only one Indian looking person, so there. It is quite nice around here, if you discount the constant staring you are subjected to ( I'm guessing it is the skin colour, also, apparently they are big on eye contact!). The autumnish now chilly-now sunny weather is working for me, except for the occasional rains. The people are really, genuinely nice. The only problem is the language, but then you can always get away with pointing and smiling., and anyway most young people speak English.

I don't have much to say here right now, except that I am experiencing a wonderful inner quiet and peace. My normally actively overworking mind seems to have burnt out. The space created by the removal of unwanted melodrama makes me really happy and content, and I am keeping everything in pairs crossed,just to keep it that way :)

Here are two pictures I took on my way back from the observatory. It was a fine, sunny day. 

The light looks lovely on this one. It was one of those days when all you want is to lie on the grass with a book and a cold drink.

I am sure everyone must have seen some version of this flower/seed thingy a lot. This was my first :)

Till we meet long :) !!!

Friday, 2 August 2013

The first meeting after the goodbyes

Scene 1

He sat on the couch. I sat on the chair across from him. I looked here and there but never directly at him unless he was saying something. I could feel his eyes on me. I looked at my friend sitting on his right, out of the french windows on my right, up at the fan. My friend went inside for something and he said, "Come,sit near me". I complied. We didn't really have much to talk, we just stared at each other.

Scene 2

We were standing in the balcony staring out at nothing in particular. He put his arm around me. I saw the moon reflected in his eyes. We just stood there.

Scene 3

I went into the kitchen to get something for our friends sprawled amongst beer bottles in the balcony. He came with me. He held my hands captive and asked, "Did you miss me?" I said, "Hmmm...maybe a little." He let go of me. I grabbed his hand and said, "Yes". "How much?". "A pinch maybe. Ok Ok, this much." I widened my hands a bit. He scowled. "Fine, this much". I held my hand to the skies. He kissed my forehead and hugged me. I patted his junglee hair. He asked, "Is this right?" I said, "I don't know." And then we kissed. 

Corollary:  He has an occasionally red nose. I often call him Rudolph for that. It was turning red now. I said, "See,you are Rudolph again". He said, "That is because you have come home."

Saturday, 25 May 2013

I am a worry doll.., :(

When you are little,you envision your future in a certain way, like  I'll do this, I'll go here, I'll have such and such a life. But as you grow older, you realize that the reality is much much further than anything you had imagined. It is better in some ways, and not quite up to the mark in some ways. Somehow you accept that as your lot in life and learn to live with it.

For the past few weeks I have been haunted by the strongest feelings of nostalgia that I have ever had. The funny thing is, they are from different phases if my life. And in that moment, I would literally give anything to be back in that time and age.

I am back in Innsbruck for a weekend for a conference, up in the mountains, a place called Obergurgl. I have only stayed in this city for about six months, and I left it only four months back. But for some strange reason, all I can think about is how perfect my dorm room was and how beautiful everything was when I was here. And t fills me with a strange,deep sadness. I remember that I was very excited about the possibility of moving to a different country every six months,meeting new people,seeing new places etc, but now that I am living that life, I am not quite so sure. Of course the traveling bit and the scholarship bit are great, and I am studying something I dearly love, but the constant packing and moving and paperwork, all that is a pain in the ass.

There are 7 girls in my batch,and 8 boys. Our program me started only about three years ago and ours has been the most balanced batch ever since. We were talking a while before about how our lives would be like, after PhD and Postdoc and all. Being in a closely knit program like ours also means that we get to see our Professors' lives at close quarters. And that is what scares almost all of us. After Postdoc, it would take at least ten years to get a permanent position. Till then we will have to keep moving maybe every couple of years. That is all very well when you are single. But when you have a family,what happens then? You can't exactly uproot your family every time. The alternative is to put your career ,for which you have worked all your life ,on hold. That is unappealing as well. We had a professor from Toronto last semester. Her husband is also from the same field. So when she came to Innsbruck, he managed to obtain a postdoc position in the university as well, and shifted here,with their kid. I have BEEN that kid. My dad is an academic too, who moved around quite a lot. I wasn't uprooted very much, but that meant I almost never got to see him and my mom too sometimes, as I was growing up. That isn't an ideal situation exactly. It is kind of a vicious circle. I really am worried about what my life is going to be like in a few years...sigh :-s

It is almost June. But up here in the mountains, it is still snowing. It is all heartbreakingly beautiful. But that means our planned hike just got cancelled. Well, you can't have everything, right? Except, I want everything :o

Thursday, 25 April 2013

Why didn't you...?

You said that you'll be there, always.
You said that you will stay,forever.
You said that you would be mine,till eternity.
You said that you will never leave.
Yet all I have left of you now
Is a hollow in my heart,where you used to be.
I know no way to fill it
I know no way to stop my tears from welling over
I know no way of forgetting you
I know no way of moving on...
I know it wasn't your fault
I know that it just wasn't meant to be
I know that you couldn't have helped it...
But I can't help thinking...
Why didn't you fight harder?
Why didn't you fight harder,
For me, for us,for what we had together?
Why didn't you fight harder
For all that we had dreamt of?
Why didn't you fight harder
To stay with me?

Monday, 22 April 2013

Random thoughts!!!

(1) When the most important person in your life turns into someone you used to know,how are you supposed to cope with that? Do you just accept it and move on, or do you try to integrate him/her  into your life with a new designation? I have been battling with these questions for a few days now. It would seem that people from my past have shown up at my door in a thoroughly unsettling manner and I have no idea whatsoever how to deal with them.

(2) There is a voice inside you that always tries to stop you when you are about to do something exceedingly foolish. We call it the conscience or inner voice. Often it sounds like someone close to you, like a parent or a best friend. It is your instinct and intuition speaking from within you. For reasons still unknown, they are, more often than not, right. Still we don't consider it necessary to listen to it objectively. That might indeed be the greatest flaw of our race.

(3) The Kubler-Ross model defines grief to consist of 5 stages- Denial,Anger,Bargaining,Depression and Acceptance. According to her, every individual who experiences a severe loss goes through these 5 stages. I  find that I heartily disagree with this. I am unable to accept the fact that other than the synaptic patterns, there could be a generalisation on the way human minds work. I have always felt that different people deal with different emotions in their own specific fashion. So it seems inconceivable to me that everyone deals with grief in a similar way. I do not aim to undermine the research people have conducted over the years about these things. I am simply unable to wrap my head around it.

P:S- I realise that these points have absolutely nothing to do with each other. I am not entirely sure they make sense in themselves. I think I am experiencing a surge of words who are trying to fall over each other as they come out. Also,it probably means that I have finally lost it!!! ;)

Wednesday, 20 March 2013

The Moment

I sit up whole nights with friends drinking and playing cards and get up at 8 am to make it to class. That is how I get through college.

I watch Grey's anatomy and F.R.I.E.N.D.S over and over again. That is how I get through heartbreak.

I vacuum and clean my room(s) and put everything into order in a purely OCD manner. That is how I get through boredom.

I sit and stare into space and do nothing whatsoever. That is how I get through loneliness.

I listen to old hindi movie songs and album songs (sad ones). That is how I get through sadness.

I go somewhere where I can look over an expanse of space and look down on everyone and everything. That is how I get over inferiority complex.

But sometimes, you don't want to get over what is plaguing you. You just want to sit there and wallow in whatever it brings. But after a while, you experience this sense of innate detachment from all that, the discomfort,the pain,the weakness...That is the moment when you realize that you can still go on no matter what you have lost or let go. That is the moment of pure strength. That is the moment when you realize who you really are.....

Sunday, 3 March 2013

The whats,hows,what nots and how nots to do...

I am used to getting over bad guys, the ones that hurt you, the ones that are mean to you, the ones that cheat on you. There are any number of books and people who are willing to give you advice on that. And I do know what to do from experience. But how exactly does one get over a good, even great guy? One who is nice and kind and attentive and with whom you basically have no bad issues. How to get over a man you love when it is the situation that plays the villain?

My Good Thing ended a couple of days back. It was a mutual decision. The long distance thing was being a bit too much (for him) and the not seeing ,not touching thing was driving me crazy. We were very mature,very adult about it. We chose to remain friends rather than  go on and get into fights and break up in an ugly way further on. Was that the right thing to do? I have no clue, and apparently neither does he. He said it is like there are two parts of him, who are at a tug-of-war with each other; the one that doesn't want to let me go and the other-the practical one that says that all this pressure is unhealthy and bad for both of us. I felt a little better after talking to him yesterday. It might be the fact that misery does love company. But it also put my mind in the same tug-of-war. He deals with it by keeping his mind blank and not thinking about it at all. I am trying to do the same. Maybe I'll have more success when I am back on level ground( Right now, I'm sitting at the Dubai Airport transit to Venice,I'm off to Italy...yayyyyyy!!!!!).

Considering everything,we had a good run. I have only the fondest memories of our time together. It wasn't exactly what anyone would call conventional. There were no promises, no talk of a tomorrow together,nothing of the sort.We were just, there. It was just like being in  a relationship with your best friends, the one who understands everything without being told, one who relates to everything you say, one who even while he makes fun of you, sees the sense in your nonsense...It worked for us, that is what matters right...

Corollary: He asked me if I was Okay. I said to ask me again a few days later. I asked him how he was feeling. He said, ask him again a few days later...

Tuesday, 19 February 2013

Somewhere along the line...

You are love.
You are life.
You are the Sun around whom I revolve.
You are the only man who has ever been able to read my mind and put my thoughts into the exact same words I would have used.
You are the only man who has ever been able to make me blush.
You are the only man for whom I have fallen for, so hard.
I know we have always had this gun above our heads, this deadline.
I know we have been “expiration dating.”
But somewhere along the line, I had forgotten about it.
Somewhere along the line, I had thought that it was forever….

Friday, 8 February 2013

Bye Bye Innsbruck

It is time to leave Innsbruck. I hadn't exactly fallen in love with the city per se, well, there wasn't a lot of time for that. 6 months of classes and tutorials and exams don't exactly leave you a lot of time for sightseeing. But now,that it is time to leave, it feels like it was too less time. It is a gorgeous, though slightly sleepy city. I remember the first few days here very clearly. It was summer for the locals, with a hint of rain. And I was freezing my ass off. I went about wearing my thickest snow/fleece jacket. But now, when it is 0 degree, I say, wow, it is such wonderful weather, let's go out !!! It was actually not quite as cold as I was expecting. It was mostly bearable. And the snow made it all the more beautiful. Some days, I would wake up and everything around will be white, even if the night before had been quite, well, normal. I haven't been one for cold much, but I really am going to miss the snow. 

My room mate is packing her stuff on the other side of the room. She is leaving tomorrow to her boyfriend's place in Germany. I have two more days here. I think I will say my official goodbyes to the city tomorrow. Dear Innsbruck, we don't really have a lot of memories together...but I am really going to miss you...

Thursday, 31 January 2013

Randomness,that is thy name!!!

It is raining in Innsbruck. It makes me yearn most frightfully for the rain back home. It is just so beautiful, the haphazardness of torrents coming down from the skies, the trees nodding to the wind... hhmmm...Here it is more like drops of water falling independent of each other with a maddening time delay between two drops. It seems as if the rain is too scared to kiss earth, and rightly so, what with all the snow today and sun tomorrow, it is probably confused. 

I'll be home in less than a fortnight. I am sooooooo looking forward to it. I miss it all. I miss my room the most. It is pink, with weird figures drawn here and there with every goddamn colour imaginable,clashing horribly with pink to give it a totally weird overall look,with my mismatched wardrobe and writing table and wall shelf and door (on which there is a lot of graffitti from my growing years. The painters never have been able to take it off completely). I have 2 sets of windows and a huuuuggggeeee bed. I lie there and watch the fan make circles.Sometimes at night, when the street light throws shadows, I see the wind from the fan make cascades on my tiled ceiling. 

I want to do something to it myself, like paint a wall in a radical colour or something. Throw in the fact that I can't paint to save my life and we have a winner ;) No, seriously, like do some graffitti on the walls or something (provided I can find spray paint in my city, I have absolutely no clue where to buy it! ). I hope my parents go for it. Last time completely vetoed the idea of me painting, said they couldn't imagine the But, now I am a year older, maybe they will say yes (Here's hoping) (And I kind of sound like a teenager).

Well, that's all for the moment. I have a midnight meeting about my apartment in Italy. Ciao !!! :)

Wednesday, 23 January 2013

A very late New year post :)

This is my first post in 2013. I am slightly late in welcoming the new year it seems. I had an awesome time,spent Christmas and New year in the UK with Capricious,Loudspeaker and a whole bunch of friends. It was wonderful :) 2012 was a good year in all; I met a lot of cool people, I had a great time, did some crazy things for the first time ever in my life...the list is really long :) I am grateful for all the wonderful people in my life today, I am happy with my life. As great as 2012 was, I am wishing for an even better 2013:)

Also, I turned a year older (and none the wiser,might I, I turned 24, I'm officially old now! Sigh!!! On the brighter side, I got two cakes and two parties; one in UK and a 2-part 2 day thing in Innsbruck...Yaayyy!!! And I am going home in a couple of weeks...and is, Buongiorno Italia!!! The very first days in Innsbruck seems to have happened ages ago,I used to feel like I was staying in a hotel or something.It was just starting to feel like home here...And time to move...hmmmm !

Well, so, that's it...nothing much to write about, except exams!!! I am alive and well, I hope you are too. Let's all have a fun-filled and wonderful 2013 :) Au Revoir for now :)

PS: 1300 page views... I AM SOOOOOO THRILLED!!! Thank you Thank you Thank youuuuuuuu!!!!!!!!