Random thoughts!!!

(1) When the most important person in your life turns into someone you used to know,how are you supposed to cope with that? Do you just accept it and move on, or do you try to integrate him/her  into your life with a new designation? I have been battling with these questions for a few days now. It would seem that people from my past have shown up at my door in a thoroughly unsettling manner and I have no idea whatsoever how to deal with them.

(2) There is a voice inside you that always tries to stop you when you are about to do something exceedingly foolish. We call it the conscience or inner voice. Often it sounds like someone close to you, like a parent or a best friend. It is your instinct and intuition speaking from within you. For reasons still unknown, they are, more often than not, right. Still we don't consider it necessary to listen to it objectively. That might indeed be the greatest flaw of our race.

(3) The Kubler-Ross model defines grief to consist of 5 stages- Denial,Anger,Bargaining,Depression and Acceptance. According to her, every individual who experiences a severe loss goes through these 5 stages. I  find that I heartily disagree with this. I am unable to accept the fact that other than the synaptic patterns, there could be a generalisation on the way human minds work. I have always felt that different people deal with different emotions in their own specific fashion. So it seems inconceivable to me that everyone deals with grief in a similar way. I do not aim to undermine the research people have conducted over the years about these things. I am simply unable to wrap my head around it.

P:S- I realise that these points have absolutely nothing to do with each other. I am not entirely sure they make sense in themselves. I think I am experiencing a surge of words who are trying to fall over each other as they come out. Also,it probably means that I have finally lost it!!! ;)

The Moment

I sit up whole nights with friends drinking and playing cards and get up at 8 am to make it to class. That is how I get through college.

I watch Grey's anatomy and F.R.I.E.N.D.S over and over again. That is how I get through heartbreak.

I vacuum and clean my room(s) and put everything into order in a purely OCD manner. That is how I get through boredom.

I sit and stare into space and do nothing whatsoever. That is how I get through loneliness.

I listen to old hindi movie songs and album songs (sad ones). That is how I get through sadness.

I go somewhere where I can look over an expanse of space and look down on everyone and everything. That is how I get over inferiority complex.

But sometimes, you don't want to get over what is plaguing you. You just want to sit there and wallow in whatever it brings. But after a while, you experience this sense of innate detachment from all that, the discomfort,the pain,the weakness...That is the moment when you realize that you can still go on no matter what you have lost or let go. That is the moment of pure strength. That is the moment when you realize who you really are.....

The whats,hows,what nots and how nots to do...

I am used to getting over bad guys, the ones that hurt you, the ones that are mean to you, the ones that cheat on you. There are any number of books and people who are willing to give you advice on that. And I do know what to do from experience. But how exactly does one get over a good, even great guy? One who is nice and kind and attentive and with whom you basically have no bad issues. How to get over a man you love when it is the situation that plays the villain?

My Good Thing ended a couple of days back. It was a mutual decision. The long distance thing was being a bit too much (for him) and the not seeing ,not touching thing was driving me crazy. We were very mature,very adult about it. We chose to remain friends rather than  go on and get into fights and break up in an ugly way further on. Was that the right thing to do? I have no clue, and apparently neither does he. He said it is like there are two parts of him, who are at a tug-of-war with each other; the one that doesn't want to let me go and the other-the practical one that says that all this pressure is unhealthy and bad for both of us. I felt a little better after talking to him yesterday. It might be the fact that misery does love company. But it also put my mind in the same tug-of-war. He deals with it by keeping his mind blank and not thinking about it at all. I am trying to do the same. Maybe I'll have more success when I am back on level ground( Right now, I'm sitting at the Dubai Airport transit to Venice,I'm off to Italy...yayyyyyy!!!!!).

Considering everything,we had a good run. I have only the fondest memories of our time together. It wasn't exactly what anyone would call conventional. There were no promises, no talk of a tomorrow together,nothing of the sort.We were just, there. It was just like being in  a relationship with your best friends, the one who understands everything without being told, one who relates to everything you say, one who even while he makes fun of you, sees the sense in your nonsense...It worked for us, that is what matters right...

Corollary: He asked me if I was Okay. I said to ask me again a few days later. I asked him how he was feeling. He said, ask him again a few days later...

Somewhere along the line...

You are love.

You are life.

You are the Sun around whom I revolve.

You are the only man who has ever been able to read my mind and put my thoughts into the exact same words I would have used.

You are the only man who has ever been able to make me blush.

You are the only man for whom I have fallen for, so hard.

I know we have always had this gun above our heads, this deadline.

I know we have been “expiration dating.”

But somewhere along the line, I had forgotten about it.

Somewhere along the line, I had thought that it was forever….

Bye Bye Innsbruck

It is time to leave Innsbruck. I hadn't exactly fallen in love with the city per se, well, there wasn't a lot of time for that. 6 months of classes and tutorials and exams don't exactly leave you a lot of time for sightseeing. But now,that it is time to leave, it feels like it was too less time. It is a gorgeous, though slightly sleepy city. I remember the first few days here very clearly. It was summer for the locals, with a hint of rain. And I was freezing my ass off. I went about wearing my thickest snow/fleece jacket. But now, when it is 0 degree, I say, wow, it is such wonderful weather, let's go out !!! It was actually not quite as cold as I was expecting. It was mostly bearable. And the snow made it all the more beautiful. Some days, I would wake up and everything around will be white, even if the night before had been quite, well, normal. I haven't been one for cold much, but I really am going to miss the snow. 

My room mate is packing her stuff on the other side of the room. She is leaving tomorrow to her boyfriend's place in Germany. I have two more days here. I think I will say my official goodbyes to the city tomorrow. Dear Innsbruck, we don't really have a lot of memories together...but I am really going to miss you...

Randomness,that is thy name!!!

It is raining in Innsbruck. It makes me yearn most frightfully for the rain back home. It is just so beautiful, the haphazardness of torrents coming down from the skies, the trees nodding to the wind... hhmmm...Here it is more like drops of water falling independent of each other with a maddening time delay between two drops. It seems as if the rain is too scared to kiss earth, and rightly so, what with all the snow today and sun tomorrow, it is probably confused. 

I'll be home in less than a fortnight. I am sooooooo looking forward to it. I miss it all. I miss my room the most. It is pink, with weird figures drawn here and there with every goddamn colour imaginable,clashing horribly with pink to give it a totally weird overall look,with my mismatched wardrobe and writing table and wall shelf and door (on which there is a lot of graffitti from my growing years. The painters never have been able to take it off completely). I have 2 sets of windows and a huuuuggggeeee bed. I lie there and watch the fan make circles.Sometimes at night, when the street light throws shadows, I see the wind from the fan make cascades on my tiled ceiling. 

I want to do something to it myself, like paint a wall in a radical colour or something. Throw in the fact that I can't paint to save my life and we have a winner ;) No, seriously, like do some graffitti on the walls or something (provided I can find spray paint in my city, I have absolutely no clue where to buy it! ). I hope my parents go for it. Last time completely vetoed the idea of me painting, said they couldn't imagine the horror...lol. But, now I am a year older, maybe they will say yes (Here's hoping) (And I kind of sound like a teenager).

Well, that's all for the moment. I have a midnight meeting about my apartment in Italy. Ciao !!! :)

A very late New year post :)

This is my first post in 2013. I am slightly late in welcoming the new year it seems. I had an awesome time,spent Christmas and New year in the UK with Capricious,Loudspeaker and a whole bunch of friends. It was wonderful :) 2012 was a good year in all; I met a lot of cool people, I had a great time, did some crazy things for the first time ever in my life...the list is really long :) I am grateful for all the wonderful people in my life today, I am happy with my life. As great as 2012 was, I am wishing for an even better 2013:)

Also, I turned a year older (and none the wiser,might I add...lol), I turned 24, I'm officially old now! Sigh!!! On the brighter side, I got two cakes and two parties; one in UK and a 2-part 2 day thing in Innsbruck...Yaayyy!!! And I am going home in a couple of weeks...and then...it is, Buongiorno Italia!!! The very first days in Innsbruck seems to have happened ages ago,I used to feel like I was staying in a hotel or something.It was just starting to feel like home here...And time to move...hmmmm !

Well, so, that's it...nothing much to write about, except exams!!! I am alive and well, I hope you are too. Let's all have a fun-filled and wonderful 2013 :) Au Revoir for now :)

PS: 1300 page views... I AM SOOOOOO THRILLED!!! Thank you Thank you Thank youuuuuuuu!!!!!!!!