I don't know what to call this!

I have been thinking about relationships lately.  This has been triggered by the fact that practically every friend of mine has been having some or the other problem in theirs. Apparently, when you decide to be with someone, there are about 100,000 considerations to look at, besides the more mundane.  Whatever happened to dating for fun, I ask...,where you hang out with someone, get to know them, talk, and actually have fun (remember fun???)!!! But no...After a couple of dates, everyone is into labels and discussions about the possible futures of the relationship etcetera etcetera... The latest in the list is my former sort-of-player best friend actually feeling possessive about a girl just because she said she talked to some friend of his on whom she had a crush ages back...I am still not done laughing at that..Honestly,I never thought I'd see this day!!! LOL ;)

On a more serious note,  all this future scoping is probably aimed at reducing the heart break risk  in the eventuality that it is not going to be forever.   Maybe they have a point, I don't know. Ultimately, love is blind. It does not see what people look like, how rich they are, what community they are from etc. This unpredictability of love is it's largest bane too, I have been told,because, the considerations in societies like ours are mainly about the socio-economic status, education, same religion/community etc (a new one I have come across is language, you know, Mallu girl, Hindi side guy...like that). 

We try so hard to be safe from all sides that sometimes, it just takes the fun out of everything in life...everything. I rest my case with a question...When is it ever safe anyway, when we lay our heart in someone else's hands,aren't we also taking a risk that they might knowingly or unknowingly break it? If so, what is the point in finding someone after all this filtering process...Isn't it better to just find someone you can be yourself with??? That's more than one question, I know. :P 

On those tragic love stories we love a lot ...

From Wuthering Heights to Gone with the Wind to Vinnaithandi Varuvaya, any love story worth reading or watching hasn't had quite the happy ending.Everyone  remembers the debacle 'Ek Deewana Tha', that was the soul less hindi remake of VTV with the happy ending, right?  (I'm not considering the sequel to GWTW,'Scarlett' by Alexandra Ripley,which does have a happy ending, and which I DID NOT hate, contrary to popular sentiment ). All the epic love stories have been tragedies. Romeo & Juliet, Heer-Ranjha, Salim-Anarkali...need I say more?  I can't fathom for the life of me why this has been the case. I mean, we all grew up on Cinderella and Sleeping Beauty and Snow White, all of which had happy endings, in all of which, Prince charming delivered his Lady Love from all misfortunes and they lived happily ever after. Then why do we have this morbid fascination with tragic/unrequited-love-stories? The latest in the list was Ishaqzaade, in which both the hero and heroine fall prey to the honour killing scene (given, that they killed each other, but you get what I mean, don't you?)  still strongly prevalent in regions of northern states in India (Might I say, great movie, hot guy, cute gal).  Is it because of the basic human nature of always expecting the worst in every situation? That is a unique brand of pessimism that we are sporting...just saying ;) 

Rain, Rain, come again :)

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So...the much anticipated monsoon is back once again, it would seem. Everything is beautiful,everything is green and easy on the eyes...When it rained for the first time this season,(Well, monsoon I mean, we have a lot of different types of rains in this part of the country,that it practically rains all the time ), I just had to experience it, rather than just see it. So I climbed up to the terrace, and on the rafters (My mom would probably have killed me for that) and just sat there, letting the rain soak me through. When I was drenched to my satisfaction, I climbed down to the sunshade and enjoyed the spectacle. It wasn't exactly very high up, but it felt like watching it from somewhere sheltered, but very much a part of it all,                                                                                     like from a cave or something.

                                                                                 

This one is my favourite....The disciplined perfection of water drops is adorable,methinks ;)

I  absolutely love watching my grounds in rain. I am very much a home-earth-bound person. When I am away, it is not the people I love that I miss the most, it is the way how things felt, that sense of belonging, which you never experience elsewhere, even if you stay there for aeons.

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When Candy became a Mrs :)

One of my best friends got married yesterday. When I would think about her marriage some twenty years yonder,it would probably seem like a blur. It all happened too fast,the betrothal,the whirlwind courtship over skype,the engagement and finally the wedding. I hadn't exactly given much thought to all this even when we were cozied up in her room for the  Bachelorette party. During our outings the days before the wedding, Capricious kept saying, "Fuck man,Candy is getting married!!!(Oh btw,that is our little group,Candy,Capricious,Sweetheart and me)". It just didn't sink in,till I saw her standing at the altar...I don't even know how to describe what I felt at that time. My eyes threatened to well up and embarrass me,which they thought the better of,thankfully.....

I think there was more to it than just a best friend getting married. It was doubly unreal because it was her. The rest of us have changed a lot during the 8 years or so that we have been friends. But Candy still retained a sense of innocence and general wonderment at life from her school days. For all her growing up physically,she was still a kid at heart. And now,she was entering a new walk of life and moving away,like for good...It is all rather overwhelming.

When I think of her,I remember a girl in a grey pinafore with pigtails,perhaps that will be the image of hers that I will carry in my mind forever. I watched her enter like a Princess and glow into beauty like a Queen as she became a Mrs. I wish her all the happiness in the world. I am sure that for someone as clear hearted as Candy, only good things will happen,now and forever. :) 

Thoughts at 2.00 a.m

These are disjoint thoughts that are running through my mind at this time. I hope to unburden my mind without burdening the reader's mind with pointless thoughts.

I think I'm giving new definitions to boredom and joblessness.  It is 2 in the morning. I'm listening to the itzy-bitzy-almost drizzle outside and watching Sex and the City for the 100th time. I should probably recite the dialogues along with it...That should complete the 'Krazy' picture...

I had a great date yesterday. I had a lot of fun and went to sleep with a huge smile on my face. And woke up confused,because I had a dream about my ex. Granted,that it was at a very trite scenario,like a carnival or something, it was exceedingly weird nevertheless. Does this make me a bad person???

One of my best friends is getting engaged tomorrow. It is one of those alliances where everyone except the bride,the groom and the immediate families think that they have rushed into it. I wish her all the happiness in the world but I have to say that I am the 'teensiest' bit apprehensive about the general situation.

We were going to have a drinking party tomorrow night. It has more or less fallen through. The idea of spending part of a day with my friend's 3-year old daughter without alcohol is rather distressing,to say the least. It is probably horrible of me to say that. But the last time we went out,she sort of made a scene shouting at her Mom and making a whole lot of unnecessary ruckus. Now that,is something I don't care to have a repeat performance of.

I have officially run out of thoughts. Even my brain is becoming lazy. Just a few days of this and I'm ready to be chucked into some looney bin. I need to go get a life!!! Wonder what price they are selling it at nowadays.... ;)

P.S: There was a Goa trip in between that I wanted to blog about. Correction-'want' to blog about. I just can't find the right words...It is a curious case of me not able to wrap my head around what I'm writing...

When I started talking about chalk...and reached cheese in no time...

Whenever I have a mental static, I look outside my window for inspiration. Not that there is much outside. The first thought that strikes me,always,is that it is all too green. The Neem tree outside,the henna bushes,the sort-of-abandoned plot next door,the wasted almost 8-acres of land where the Ghost-house stands(it is not a Ghost house really,I call it that because no one stays there and it is huge and intimidating)...all of it is too green,way too green with shrubs and plants and trees and what not. I don't have a decent piece of sky to look at,owing to this profusion of trees.

And when it is raining,like it is now,it makes me feel like I live in an African rain forest. It gets dark bit by bit. I can almost see the darkness creeping in,outside first,then at my window,moving across my room in tiny steps... I love rain,I really do. But I don't like this weather much. I am more of a sunrise at the top of a mountain,sunset on a beach kinda gal. This much green ain't ma type huh...(Imagine a very southern brogue please. I have a thing about it. I think it is very sexy. I used to think the same about British accent but two years in the UK sort of disillusioned me. Now I use it for mockups).

This has been my view since I was 6 or 7,since this house was built. The only difference was that there was a house and a well and even more trees in the next door plot. The people who used to live there had been our long time neighbours. They used to own the house opposite to ours too(which they sold it to the people living there now about the same time our house was being built). Come to think of it,I think they used to live in that house and have always rented this one out. They had moved away for a while,but then moved back again for some reason.

It was a strange household. There was an old lady,her husband and her mother(who was like a hundred years old) and relatives with outlandish names visiting them occasionally. I used to think of the whole lot of them as snobs of the first order. The husband used to play a harmonica every afternoon when the whole neighbourhood would be trying to catch a nap. It wasn't so bad always. But sometimes,it would be so hot and muggy,and the power would be out and one is trying to get a few moments of shut-eye,and this dude starts playing...that blows the lid on your temper like nothing else does. Anyway...these people moved out eventually,the house actually being in the lady's sister's name( who was in the US of A,who was butt ugly with an equally ugly husband...but with two beautiful children!!!)and she didn't really want them to live there...lots of family drama. Finally they left,the plot was sold,the house torn down,trees cut and the well levelled. Pity really,because I liked that house...wasn't very big but had a sort of charm. 

For some reason,I have always associated the tearing down of that house to my Grandmother's death. I don't remember if they happened about the same time. One of the last memories I have of her ,is her grimacing at the noise of the trees being cut down and saying that,to her, cutting trees feels as bad as killing small kids. Weird simile,I know...boy...she was a hell of a woman. I still miss her. To this day,when I suddenly get the smell of frankincense in the air or when a lonely firefly wanders into my room,I can't help but wonder if she is visiting her favourite grandchild on the sly. That thought is like comfort food,right up there with rolled over jelly sandwiches and greasy maggi noodles. :)

On my Hilltop

This used to be my favourite wall paper for a really long time. I used to imagine myself standing on that slope near the tree and watch the sun set every evening (well,not every evening exactly,every evening I would be at that place that is). I would have a house on a bit down from there,tucked away in one of those folds between slopes,nothing elaborate,but not exactly a bare minimum cottage type either. I'd wake up every morning (that I can manage) and sit on the railing of my porch with a cup of coffee and listen to the stream bubbling under(of course there has to be a water body nearby,that is sort of mandatory) and the birds chirping in the background...That makes for a nice picture,doesn't it :)

Whenever I used to picture myself on that hilltop,it was always just me,alone,not lonely exactly,but alone. But after I met you,I feel like maybe it wouldn't be a bad idea to have someone beside me over there. I have never felt that I would need company when I embark on some  "time with myself" trip,away from everything else that defines me. But now I have started thinking that maybe,just maybe,it wouldn't be so bad to have you with me. It scares me that I can actually envision letting you into my personal space. Yet I am secretly thrilled that it is YOU. I have always imagined that I will find someone so perennially interesting an uncomplicated to spend my life with...That sounds a lot like you. We don't yet know each other that well, but evidence suggests that we could be each other's soul mates(Excuse me,I've been watching too many true crime shows). I am willing to take a risk and give it a try...Are you?